Understanding Coregulation and Polyvagal Theory: How Somatic Therapy Helps Heal Relationship Patterns
This may sound counterintuitive, but my goal as a therapist is to work myself out of a job.
Here's what I mean: Somatic therapy isn't about creating lifelong dependence—it's about helping you understand the relationship patterns you keep repeating and learning how to change them. At the heart of this work is developing two essential skills: regulating your own emotions and coregulating with others.
What Is Coregulation and Polyvagal Theory?
Coregulation is our ability to regulate our nervous system through connection with others. It's a core principle of polyvagal theory, which helps us understand how our autonomic nervous system responds to safety, danger, and connection.
Polyvagal theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, explains how the vagus nerve—the longest nerve in our body—mediates our sense of safety and our ability to connect with others. When we understand polyvagal theory and coregulation, we can have more compassion for ourselves when we feel stuck or dysregulated—especially when disruptions happen in important relationships, including the therapeutic relationship itself.
The Roots of Our Relationship Patterns
Most people who come to somatic therapy have experienced some gap in their early attachment relationships—the bond between parent and child. Attachment is our hardwired survival mechanism for feeling supported and connected.
As infants, we depend entirely on caregivers for our physical needs. As we grow, we need different types of care, like emotional support. Each developmental stage builds our capacity to self-regulate and meet our own needs, but this learning depends on having a caring other—usually a primary parent—to guide us.
When we miss a stage of this development, it can leave a deep wound: a lingering belief that people won't be there for us, or an expectation that we'll inevitably be abandoned. From a polyvagal perspective, our nervous system has learned to expect threat instead of safety in relationships.
Why Somatic Therapy Can Feel So Hard
Therapy is tricky territory. We're trying to break old patterns, but in doing so, we inevitably bump up against old wounds. Sometimes these moments can feel like confirmation of our fears—"See? I knew this would happen."
But here's the transformative part: when we work through these difficult moments in somatic therapy—including times when old abandonment wounds get activated—we're actually teaching our nervous system something new. We're learning that ruptures in relationships aren't life-threatening. They're opportunities for growth and for building trust in ourselves.
Building a Resilient Nervous System Through Polyvagal-Informed Therapy
Think of somatic therapy as exercise for your nervous system, particularly around coregulation. The vagus nerve, central to polyvagal theory, mediates this learning process, helping us build resilience with each rupture and repair.
Through polyvagal-informed somatic therapy, we learn to recognize our nervous system states and develop new pathways for regulation. We practice moving from states of fight, flight, or freeze into states of safety and social connection.
When I say my goal is to work myself out of a job, it's not because I want to move on. It's because my ultimate aim is for you to learn to regulate yourself and find trusting relationships in your life beyond the therapy room.
That's when the real healing happens—when you can take what you've learned about coregulation and polyvagal theory and create the connected, secure life you deserve.
